Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Becoming independent!

To me, becoming independent means not relying on having a partner, not having someone to love and just enjoying to be on my own. You're probably saying "you're 18! Why are you so worried about having a relationship!?". Throughout my school years, I got no guy attention whatsoever, I didn't start putting makeup on until about year 9 and I never did anything with my hair. At the time I didn't know how to apply makeup or how to style my hair so I didn't really have no choice but because the guys were so delusional over only paying attention to the girls who had developed quicker than others and knew how to cake their makeup on, I become so insecure and from then till just this year I always thought a relationship just wasn't going to be for me. Having to go through school everyday seeing young 'love' and even hearing people had lost their virginity, I felt like I was missing out and I'd have a long time to wait. 

For the past 2/3 years I had constantly complained every day and every second possible to my best friend that I was going to die alone, I'd never get married, I'd never have babies and I honestly don't know she coped with it! Being married and having children is like a main priority for me, it's something that I aim for more than anything in the world, being a housewife and full time mother used to be what I wanted which a lot of people looked down at me for, at the time I didn't see what was so wrong about it, letting the guy earn the money while I stay at home, that's how it used to be after all? However, I now realise that although one day I can have that and there be nothing wrong with it, there's still some things I have to do on my own. I want to be successful at my own goals with no distractions. I understand a relationship can still go on perfectly if you haven't reached all your goals, you can stand by your partner and support each other until you reach the success you deserve, but, I'm the type of person who will eventually give up on my dreams just for the other to get what they want. 

This year, I got into my first ever relationship, if you could really call it that and looking back at what I did for that guy who did nothing but treat me badly, I'm ashamed of myself for being so vulnerable and doing anything not to lose someone who wasn't worthy of my time. He insisted on meeting my parents before making things official between US, not everyone else. I went along with this thinking he would eventually share with everyone that he was with me but that day never happened, I still carried on letting him stay over, I spent my money on him and never got it back even when he said "I'll pay you back" if I've learnt anything, never give out money, you'll not get it back. 2 months into what I thought was a relationship, everyone on my side of the family and all my friends knew about him, yet, on his side of the family and his friends, they didn't know that this was 'official'. Whenever we went out round town together with our friends, they all looked at me as his next girl who he would take home and sleep with. I was not that girl and it was humiliating to be looked at that way. Anyway, to cut the story short, he eventually broke up with me but without telling me, I learnt this from my mum ladies, yes he told my mum and not me. I came across him last week and honestly if he tried to speak to me or touch me, he was going to get yelled at. Luckily he didn't. So yeah, it was a hidden relationship, like I wasn't good enough to show off and tell people about. It was making miserable and I finally gave up. 

My point to that long description of my bad relationship is that for 18 years I had been desperately wanting a guy to do everything for, to just know that I'm wanted and needed. So when someone gave me that attention I just went for it and looking back it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. 

People these days on Facebook and Twitter and any social media site are so desperate to find love and I used to be one of them. My outlook on relationships now are so different to how they used to be. I now believe that the more you wait for love and force it on people, the longer you'll be waiting. The best thing to do is take everyday as it is and one day the perfect guy or girl will come to you and it'll feel right, not forced or out of desperation. 

I know it's silly that this is my top priority in becoming independent but it's something that I've always felt like I needed to depend on someone to be important when that's not the case. Being my own person, enjoying my life, reaching my goals, spending time with family and friends, doing things that I've always wanted to do is what is going to make me important in my life. I live in a fantasy world, I have an image of the perfect guy and honestly I do need to stop having majorly high expectations but they do need to be high enough because I'm worth a hell of a lot more than I got. 

As for love, I'm finished with chasing it, I'm going to live my life and when it wants to come to me, it'll come to me. I can't wait for that to happen during my journey of becoming independent. :)

                    - Shelby xxx




  1. I love your post. It's so raw and honest. Yeah, some guys focus on the "boobs" and "butt" of a girl instead of her. I peaked early and even though I never wore makeup I hated when guys gave me attention because they were only after one thing. It's a good thing you weren't having sex young. I didn't either, I waited until I got married. And you're right, there is nothing wrong with being a loving stay at home mom. Just make sure you don't give up on yourself when you do get married. I completely agree, live your life and you will be suprised when love comes knocking on the door.

    1. Thank you so much for taking your time to read my post it means a lot! Guys these days want one thing and only one thing so it's much better to hold off and just wait for the right one! I would definitely become a stay at home mum but like you said I won't give up on myself until I reach my goals, then I'll consider the other options :). That's the important thing just to live everyday and who knows who you'll meet :) xx



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